Only after hooking up with another person did I realize that my attempts to pleasure my sexual partners were not going to be reciprocated. I figured, and I still figure, perhaps naively, that it was due to his inexperience. Also, I had to ask my hookup if he wanted to give me oral sex in return, and while he agreed, I was left wondering why he didn’t offer before. But I do recognize that I put in a large amount of effort in pleasuring my sex partner, particularly with oral sex and the various positions I attempted.
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However, this is not to say that I blamed my hookup for my dissatisfaction rather, I understood that we were both inexperienced and bound to not fully understand how to pleasure each other. I became a power bottom, which was not the role I had originally envisioned for myself. In a way, while I enjoyed the exploration of myself and another person, I was also somewhat unsatisfied with the lack of experience, or perhaps lack of leadership in the bedroom.
But, I was also left with a sense of disappointment. To my surprise, I became the dominant one in that I led the course of our sexual activities.
When the time finally came to have sex, I learned that my partner was also a virgin, which provided me some relief and calmed my nerves. So, the morning of my appointment, I shaved my ass while I took a shower and trimmed my pubic hairs to make myself presentable. However, I was still aware of the expectations of many people, and I had done a little research on giving oral and bottoming the night before to make sure not to embarrass myself.
I had never done anything sexual or romantic before, so I was extremely nervous. the following day, and I woke up early to prepare my room and my body. Because of this desire, I messaged this mystery man, who I correctly assumed to be another student, asking for a hookup and a picture of himself. Normally, I avoid people on dating apps if they don’t have any pictures for safety reasons, but in this particular moment, I wanted to lose my virginity based on unhealthy parameters I had set for myself. The day before, I went against my typical behavior and messaged a blank profile on Grindr. I lost my virginity a couple of weeks before my 19th birthday.